Why don’t you water
yourself and perhaps you’ll bloom
and grow to be a
real flower not a plastic
sad replicant of beauty

I know God’s in me it’s
a vibe an energy
a pure ethereal
connection with the earth
under my bare feet a
cosmic synergy of
being and I promise
me this I will always
appreciate with all
my heart and soul this
pithy stardust heartbeat
its atomic pounding
and resounding strength the
primal survival yes
that binds me to the fire
earth water and air I
am blessed and manifest
the inner peace in me

It’s wrong to give people
false hope make them believe
that you’re never too old
to say that age isn’t a
barrier and that
you can achieve all of
your dreams start a career
you’re never to old to
be fooled it’s true but cruel
this feel good bullshit so
you’re somehow sidewinded
from the reality
of being thought of as
useless and chucked onto
society’s scrapheap
when you’re over fifty

Talking about nothing
is better than never
talking to anyone

I always thought that I
was a normal person
but then I came to a
realisation and
the penny dropped that I
am not and suddenly
my whole god damn life made
sense to me the way that
others had treated me
like I was some kind of
freakish oddity they
took advantage of my
vulnerability
my gullibility
I endured cruelty
I never understood
that my normal was a
neurodiversity

I’m a lifelong misfit
that never quite fits in
I can’t conform to the
social mould I over
share I over care and I
don’t care for polite lies
I am rude and I am
blunt because I was taught
to always tell the truth
so many times I was
the last resort but all
that taught me was how to
enjoy my company
and now I’m a happy
loner a misfit I
realised solitude
is strength  I don’t need a
neurotypical life

Life is a blister strip
neatly packaged with some
bitter pills to swallow
sometimes it ails you know
that the cure is thinking
that things will get better

I make a promise at 1 am
that I will be kinder to myself
as my dinner sits in the kitchen
uneaten and I go downstairs
and put it in the microwave
vowing I will eat it tomorrow
for lunch and take two packets
of crisps and two bars of
chocolate to munch upstairs
in bed and a water bottle full
of my empty promises
turn on the TV
to binge watch some series
that I will fall to sleep to
although my eyes try
to stay open
and so it goes
I will do it tomorrow
I will be healthier tomorrow
tomorrow I will exercise
and remember to take
my vitamins
tomorrow I will start
tomorrow I will
I will begin my
better existence
and magically be fit
and that is it
the whole god damn lie
I keep telling myself
every day
mostly the same
and I feel ashamed
that tomorrow
could be too late
but still I wait
to live the way
I would like to
but never seem
to realistically
seem able to