Monthly Archives: January 2021

More Achievable Goals

I started refreshing my French skills back in 2019 and then kind of didn’t bother but I have always wanted to learn other languages and so I have started again using the Duolingo app, when I was using this for French in 2019 it was all free but now it’s annoying as once you’ve made a few small errors now you have to wait a whole day to practice more unless you pay to subscribe. I guess they decided to profiteer on the pandemic knowing people are in and out of lockdown taking up new hobbies.

Anyway I did French at school and so brushing up and I will be fluent one day.

I have also been learning Welsh which is more challenging for me but I love the language.

Russian is another one I have begun too, just because I was interested in learning it.

I want to be fluent in 5 languages other than English – and it could be achievable as there are similarities in some languages.

I think educating yourself is a positive thing to do as it keeps the brain active and healthy, having new skills to learn and concentrating on achieving them can only be a positive thing.

So this is another achievable goal for my bucket list – learn 5 languages.

I also have a clear idea of what I want my future to be like and it’s something I can definitely work towards no matter what happens

Goals

My soul keeps my dreams they

are preserved in my faith

as I release my hearts

intention they appear

like little holes of light

pinpricks in a big black

storm cloud and the more that

I believe that good always

triumphs over evil

the more those minuscule

shafts of radiance glow

and I know that one day

that ominous presence

will be gone and I will

shine my future is mine

shaped illuminated

by my own strength I’ll be

proud of who I’ve become

Flags

I saw a big red flag

everyone else saw white

they thought it was alright

and that there was something

wrong with my sight but not

everyone sees the wolf

in sheep’s clothing only

the ones that he bites and

it will only be when

they look closer at the

flag that they will notice

that I was right and by

then he’d have eaten me.

Bucket List

I was going to write something every day but I am so busy at the moment with one thing and another.

I am just sitting on my bed eating dinner at two minutes past midnight but I just thought of two achievable goals for my bucket list, I will do these things.

1. Read the whole Bible – as I am on a spiritual journey and have been for a few years this makes sense. I even consulted it today to ask about the outcome of something, I opened the Bible on a random page and put my finger down somewhere on the page and the quote/verse whatever they’re called was relevant to what I was asking and I don’t know if I should believe in this prediction, it was my mother’s Bible so I kind of trust it because I am sure if God wanted to relay a message answering my question he would do so through my mother’s Bible I would like to think so anyway.

2. Publish a poetry book on Amazon – again it makes sense as I would class myself as a poet and I already had this in mind and have half a book written but it’s not what I want to publish now I am going to write another one about my marriage experience. If anyone buys it then I will donate the money to charity, I doubt anyone will but even one sale is a couple of pennies for a good cause. I don’t know what God would think of this book though, I think God may understand my need to tell how it was.

I am going to eat my dinner now as it’s gone cold.

Sunday the third

I was going to start decorating today, I was going to get the white emulsion out of the shed and start on the undercoat. I have ordered wallpaper and a fawn colour paint. I’m basically toning right down from a deep blue colour and I can’t wait until it’s all done and I get money for new furniture and floor.

I didn’t start today though and can’t see me beginning it until maybe Friday now but I went to the supermarket and it was just so peculiar how quiet it was in there.

It wasn’t that there wasn’t many people at the supermarket because there were quite a few but it was so silent and everybody was social distancing properly and I’ve never seen it like this not even in the March lockdown – I am in UK. Everybody today was so cautious and silent and there was just a complete aura of doom. It was very bizarre but at least people are taking things seriously now but how long will that last.

So now I’m sitting here once again waiting for the boy who doesn’t like sleeping to go to sleep and I should really be sorting a few things out for the legal things going on but I keep kind of avoiding it, it’s just very difficult to think of and I really can’t put it off, I just feel deflated when I think about it all.

I guess it is just the stress of it all making me feel like that but I really need to just get on with it and do what I need to do and I will do it first thing in the morning as it shouldn’t actually take long so I don’t know why I’m putting it off.

I came across some suggested blog to follow about someone’s bucket list so I had a look and I have thought about making one before I think they’re a good idea, as it’s like setting goals to achieve but I would never be able to achieve the things I would really love to do because I haven’t got the resources, opportunity or money so I’m kind of thinking about a poor persons bucket list and making it really simple. This person has a list of 1000 things and was a lot younger than I am so I don’t know how long I should make my list as I am 51 now which is honestly old.

So I’m going to have a think about achievable and realistic goals because there is too much I can’t do, I’d love to go to Antarctica and see Emperor Penguins but let’s be honest that will never happen it’s such an out of reach unrealistic fantasy.

Five Past Midnight whatever day the second is

So I’m just sat here on my bed waiting for 11 year old to go to sleep and kind of hoping it will be soon. Bath then and maybe a peel off mask.

I’ve wasted time on karaoke app tonight, only ever mean to do one song but singing makes me feel so damn good. I have always sung, as a child who spent a lot of school holidays in their bedroom due to being bullied and lonely I would sing all the time.

I have never really sung in front of anybody but my kids due to lacking confidence from said bullying and hiding my true self.

Now at the age of 51 and two long term abusive relationships I discovered the karaoke app at the start of the March lockdown as one of my friends is using it and now I am hooked on singing online and that’s ok, I don’t care if I sound terrible because I’m just being me at long last.

It has helped me escape from the reality of my troubles and I have still been kind of praying because I stand to lose everything at the hands of a lying, gaslighting, bitter and angry abuser who has done the textbook narcissistic thing and has projected his own behaviours onto me and made out I am unfit and unstable and that he is in fact the victim and not me to the family court.

This is an actual nightmare and so I am just literally praying and trying to not lose faith when I read so many bad things about cases like mine where an abusers entitlement is regarded as more important than the safety and the well-being of their own children and they only want the children to hurt their victims as punishment for leaving them.

It’s really sickening and that is all I am going to say about the whole thing as even though I am relatively anonymous on this blog I cannot talk about any of this until it’s all over or I will jeopardise my case.

It is good to just write out my feelings though and if you have followed my blog for a while and read my poems you will know that a lot of them are about the abuse I have endured.

I pray to God that things will work out ok. I really do so much and I don’t just pray when I want something I actually pray every day and that is something that not me many people only a couple know about me.

I say the same prayer every night it is one I made up and if I say any of it wrong I have to start again.

This is the prayer I say and made up and have been saying this for a few years now. You could use this prayer yourself if you like it. I will not mention any names of the people I pray for but it goes like this

Dear God, my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ

Thank you for my life I love value and appreciate it

It’s the greatest gift of all and I am grateful for it and cherish it

Dear God my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ thank you for your love and thank you for showing me the way and thank you for forgiving my sins

Dear God my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ thank you for my beautiful children I love them with all of my heart and soul

( I will say thank you for name, thank you for name until I have named each of my children)

Please God protect them from harm, please God show them the way and please God may they be healthy and happy.

Dear God my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ thank you for my beautiful grandchildren I love them with all of my heart and soul

(Again I say thank you for each name)

Please God protect them from harm, please God show them the way and please God may they be healthy and happy.

Dear God my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ thank you for this beautiful world and all the life in it and all of the creatures and all of nature

Thank you for everything that we have. We are truly blessed.

Thank you for our clean and hot running water and our food and our homes and our warmth and our safety and our stability. Thank you for our clothes and everything we own thank you for everything thank you God and my sweet lord Jesus Christ for our family and our love. We are very very lucky.

Then I will say in this prayer a little prayer for a few people that I know of who are going through a difficult time or have health problems and if I can’t think of anybody at that particular time I change it but it always starts the same as the other parts of the prayer

Dear God my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ today I am praying for ……..

(Some people I have thought of and why or the if I can’t think of anyone at that time the following)

Anybody in the world who needs your help and guidance please help them and I send them some good karma and positive vibes

After this I ask God for whatever I need help with I never ask for anything for material usually it is strength it is the moment and for a good outcome and the truth and justice and everything to be ok I start it in the same way as the other parts of the prayer I know it’s repetitive but it makes me think that God will know in speaking speaking to him

Then I end the prayer like this

Thank you God my almighty and Heavenly Father and my sweet lord Jesus Christ I love you Amen

And that is my prayer I say every night I know it’s long and a bit complicated but I have to say it exactly like that as it shows my gratitude for everything I also forgot to say that I occasionally pray for people I don’t like too because it’s the right thing to do.

Also I know that I say God and him and Heavenly Father and we all do just on the basis that the bible was written in all probability by men and all through history and even today its a patriarchal thing and the truth is that God could be a woman or non binary we don’t know anything but I do know that God will not care if we have mistaken their gender as God would be all forgiving of our ignorance and God is an entity that lives inside us all.

Well so I think I will wrap this post up now it’s just been good writing you know it just helps and I am on a bit of a spiritual journey at the moment but I need to get a bath now and snack out and watch tv for a bit.

Chapter One – January Sunday the first

Chapter One

January

Sunday the first

I asked God today to protect me from the unknown, my uncertainty, the evil, the snake and I sit and wonder how God will help me when I know that he would like me to forgive, and I can’t.

Will God please forgive me for not being able to forgive at this current time the evil of somebody who wishes me harm, somebody whose sole and soul intention is to ruin me?

Will God forgive me for that?

I forgive myself for this.

I have to.

I say to myself – I forgive you for not being forgiving maybe forgiveness will be something that I am able to do in the future.

I am not being bitter or being sinful or letting hatred consume my battered soul, God please understand that I am healing it. I am finding the light in my heart and happiness in walking away and forgiving myself for the terrible life decisions I have made.

That malformation of man will have to forgive himself for his sins towards others, it is not for me to do this.

My responsibility is my own soul.

I hope that you are listening God and I pray each night that you will guide me and that my life will have the outcome that I am praying for not only for my own but for the ones I love the most, I entrust you with their fate.

I briefly saw the sun bursting through the concrete of rooftops and it was reminiscent of my faith that I have to see that brightness, that light that is hiding in the darkness, in the shadows of anxiety. It’s that light at the end of the tunnel that I am hoping for and I would like to think that the sunshine that I saw this afternoon was a sign, an omen that things will be alright.

While I am asking myself these questions in my mind and thinking these thoughts I am busy living and gathering up all the little positives that have occurred on this the first day of a new year, a new chapter of life, because no matter what life throws at me this year I am going to practice good self care and find something to feel good about in every day, in every scenario no matter how awful, there will be good in everything. I will try and find a positive in each negative.

Positives that come to me so far the time currently being 16.26 pm, and I am sure if I sit down later tonight I can find more –

A nine year old came up to me while I was busy cooking and cleaning in the kitchen.

Nine year old – I have a New Years Present for you

Me – Ooh lovely, that’s nice of you, what is it

Nine year old – (whilst wrapping their arms around me)

It’s a hug

Me – Aww thank you so much, that’s such a lovely present! You’re so sweet.

The nine year old has autism so this was such a lovely moment.

The nine year old also ate some soft boiled egg for the first time ever for lunch.

Negatives to Positives

– The wallpaper I wanted to buy for my living room is not available

+ maybe this means I will find one that is even nicer

And that is all I have to write at his moment as I must get on with with the housework and living