Unalome

Unalome

I analysed everything
on my journey.  I found my
own misdirection and came
to the conclusion that by
rewinding each happenstance,
I had unravelled myself.
Recalling the constructive
interference and realised
truths in Chiron and Venus,
those life lessons are bittersweet.
I learned all that is karmic.
I slip into happiness and sadness,
recalling, thinking and I know
I’m walking the Fibonacci.
In clarity these thoughts keep
coming back to me. I feel the
vibrations of their complexity
in my throat,  yet I can’t hear
the sound of release.  I reveal
to myself my own truth,  that
the one thing that haunts me is
eternally internalised.  It makes
me realise that as I am
treading each stair, the widening
of my enlightenment is a flickering
light not a beacon.  But I’m always
hopeful as I scrutinise me, that
my younger self will one day cry
and find a way to let it go.
I don’t know how to nurture
my own wound but I will keep
stumbling up the staircase.  I am
wise enough to know that
eventually the flickering will
end, and hand in hand all my selves
will walk into the incandescent
illumination of peace and healing.
We will all be happy and free

Visit From A Ghost



I wonder if he somehow
manifested in the
five letters of his name that
came out of her mouth and the
spectral symmetry of my
younger self did he see how
devastating it was to
have him in my ears did he
materialise inside
my mind and feel my wraithlike
semblence watching us knowing
how much I wished that there was
something I could say did he touch
the overwhelming sadness
that I felt for us both or
understands the irony
of his St Christopher and
his eighth house cusp
to speak the language of stars
is an art but I know that
it’s one that the spirits speak
and he visits me as a
ghost my celestial muse
showing me our synastry
all mapped out that karmic fate

Walnut And Wicker

I came into being
under the catkins bloom
I watched them fall caught up
in seed incarnations
of all and everything
I am and have been
knowing I no longer dream
wondering in my own
rebirth whether it is
my heart or mind that is
walnut I don’t know but
I hug the tree and thank
all its stoic wisdom
for nurturing me I
think of those old splinters
the supple compliance
when I was wicker now
joyful gratitude is
my nature and I am
walnut encased and wise

Trappings Of Love



I try to let you go
so I dance like you’re watching me
I tell you that I love you
I hope that you can hear me
I sing to you when I’m on my own
The songs that you sang to me
I listen to The Spirit Of Eden
your spirit consumes me
I’m choking on the memories
I can’t breathe on heartbreak

you are caught in my throat
an unspoken tragedy
a torturous consequence
and others kept silencing me
I still keep my devastation
quiet it’s grown inside of me
I don’t know what to do with my emotions
when I’ve been expected
to forget supress never feel
and how is that not cruel

I try to let you go
but I dissociate I keep
punishing myself thinking
about the cause and effect
I am caught in the trappings of love
and the hellish waves of regret
and maybe I deserve to be haunted
your spirit consumes me
and my grief has learnt how to breathe
silently in heartbreak.


Tulips And Chimneys



I dreamt of tulips and
chimneys last night and the
foxing stain toxins of
modern dystopian life
I lay there under
industrial skies and
their greyish fogs streamed
an oppressive burden
blown frivously by
stacked structures
poison spewing
landscapes deteriorated
and I consciously wondered
whether I had just over read
the aged books
of foreseen fiction
that this was how it was
going to be
waking but sleeping
a nightmare not dreaming
subliminal persuasion
embedded corrupted
designed to dictate
how to live unconsciously
pollution smeared minds
the chimneys showed me
that the longterm
prognosis of progress
is decomposition
and so I lay there
considering this
amongst a bed of tulips
momentarily amazed
by the frailty and beauty
of every single flower petal
in the knowledge that
the purpose and meaning
of life is love not possession



Manifesting 2023


I am manifesting how I want 2023 to look like.
It is going to be a year of experiences.
I don’t know what these experiences will be but they will need to be things I haven’t done, seen, heard, tasted or places I either haven’t ever been to or gone to for a very long time. These experiences also will have to be either low cost or free and close to home. I need to be able to experience these things within my life restrictions as a carer and autism. Transport is also an issue due to not being able to drive and living with transport poverty as public transport is not very regular and time consuming. Taxis are very costly.
I will be doing all of these things on my own or sometimes with my children depending on how they will cope due to their autism and whether or not they want to because I never make them partake in any activities they don’t want to and unless I have carers available it is difficult to take them places and also my year of experience is about me. That may sound selfish but when I look back on my life I realise I haven’t really lived due to one thing or another and as an individual I am more than just a parent or carer. I think it will be a really good thing for my wellbeing to try and cram as many new and different experiences that are feasible due to my circumstances and within my means into my life.
I think that by manifesting new experiences even if it is just trying a new food, making a recipe, listening to a new song, I am going to spend every day of the year enriching my life and look at the results at the end of the year.

Let It Out



I walk down the street
otherworldly my feet
don’t connect with the
concrete pavement
as it is in my nature to
daydream
my mind saunters along
traipsing in auburn
on a somewhat unruly morn
scattering its light through
the empyrean gloom
cloudscapes greyly linger
trying to depress and smother
the heavens meditation
exhaling copper flares
luminous streaks sigh
I breathe in autumn
and let it out
4747 leaves fell
and I have yet again
been reborn
in their bonfire beauty
new beginnings
are strewn along
pathways and roads
red golden and orange
I am joyous in this knowledge
this time will always be the
occasion of life
seasonally a phoenix
rejoiced in motherhood















Heated Exchange



Things that it’s not –
a heated exchange
six of one and
half a dozen of another
my fault
my responsibility to
take the blame for
the actions of a grown ‘man’
it’s a debilitating imbalance
of power and control
manipulatively designed
to crush my soul
enabled perpetrated
legally sanctioned
misogyny